noftbl4me

It has been over ten years now since my family and I moved from snow country into the desert southwest, I have just been waxing nostalgic and thought I would share a couple things I miss from the great white north.

I can’t remember the last time that I slipped and fell on my keister while shoveling a driveway. Come to think of it the thing I miss most about winter in northern Utah were those beautiful mornings when you would have to force the front door open after being frozen shut the night before by gale force winds that chased the mercury into the depths of Hades for hiding. Once outside you realize the very beautiful two or three inches of fresh powder were maliciously obscuring a sheet of ice that was laid down the night before during the rain-sleet-hail-snow-blow-your-roof
off storm, this dawns on you as you begin sliding toward the concrete steps at a speed that can only end very poorly. The good news is that the fresh two or three inches of powder should cushion the blow from the rocks and or the concrete steps.

Once you have managed to stand up, after your ‘Bambi learning to ice skate’ impression, you extract as much snow from your underpants as possible while trying to preserve what is left of your shattered dignity. It’s a good thing you are wearing mittens so the neighbor kids don’t really know what you think of them laughing at you. As you walk, skate, hobble and slide to your car you are wondering if the window will shatter when you hit it at this velocity, then with luck, the breakaway mirror saves the day and absorbs the blow. You fumble around for your keys, drop your briefcase, and realize that you have lost a mitten. You open the car door and jump in just as the avalanche from the roof/door space crashes down your collar and will later create a belly button lint snowball that will amuse and entertain you for several minutes later in the day.

You wisely start your car, crank the defrost and exit the vehicle with a plastic Spork you have left over from yesterdays lunch at KFC. You futilely attempt to scrape the window of your car with the Spork. Inspired, you remember the Boy Scout motto “Be Prepared” and think to yourself “Self, you’re an Idiot!” While trying to remove the sandpaper ice sheet from the windshield your Spork snaps in half and you completely remove all of the skin from the knuckles of your mitten-less hand. After a random course of obscenities in a foreign language so as not to offend the neighbor kids, who have been enjoying the show, you decide to knock the powder off and let the defrost do it’s job. While skirting around the back of the car grasping on to anything that will support your bleeding, throbbing, partially frozen fingers, you athletically power slide around the back of the car, switch directions by grabbing the bumper and gracefully remember you forgot to remove the trailer hitch. After crawling out from under the car you manage to once again struggle to your feet, crawl to the drivers door, open it and sit down in the warmth of the car, suddenly sensing a cold wet lumpy feeling in your nether regions, it is then and only then that you remember the words of your grandfather, “Son, never try to dig anything out of your pants while wearing mittens!”

Maybe 'miss' is too strong of word!

Have a great day!

The BCS is an exclusionary monopoly (like it or not it is a business) and needs to be broken up! It would take government intervention to do that. The BCS is a well oiled well funded machine and spits in the face of fairness and equality. The irony here is that while I am very conservative politically and think the government should pretty well stay out of our lives, this is one time that I am counting on a liberal congress, senate and oval office to do the right thing.

To my knowledge the NCAA FBS college football is the only major sport in the world that does not have a clear Champion. I have two suggestions to remedy the situation. (Neither one would work by the way, but it's my blog so tough!)

1. All non-BCS conference schools, including FCS Division, immediately cancel all games with BCS conference schools. Do not reschedule until an all-inclusive playoff is instituted. Do not settle for the plus one - plus two format. That will only make matters worse. The only solution is drop one preseason game and implement a 16 team (11 conf. champs + 5 highest ranked non conf. champs) and use current bowls-with rearranged & possibly rotating schedules to have a real playoff. This year, first round, it would have looked like this:

11 Conf. Champs

MWC - #7 Utah

Big 12 – #2 Oklahoma

Big Ten – #6 Penn St

Pac Ten – #5 USC

Sun Belt – #59 Troy

ACC – #21 Vtech

Big East – #12 Cincinnati

Conf USA - #33 ECU

Mid Am. – #42 Buffalo

SEC – #1 Florida

WAC – #9 Boise State

5 highest ranked non-conf champs (AP top 25 poll)

#3 Texas

#4 Alabama

#8 Texas Tech

#10 Ohio St.

#11 TCU

Round 1

4 games on First Friday of December 4 on First Saturday

Round 1 Friday

#1 Florida v. #59 Troy

#2 Oklahoma v. #42 Buffalo

#3 Texas v. #33 ECU

#4 Alabama v. #21 VTech

Round 1 Saturday

#5 USC v. #11 TCU

#6 Penn St. v. #12 Cincinnati

#7 Utah v. #10 Ohio St.

#8 Texas Tech v, #9 Boise St.

This scenario produces only three crappy match ups. Florida Oklahoma and Texas opening round would most likely be quite boring but how many boring bowl games are there annually? The other five games should be quite good.

So assuming the highest ranked team wins first round. (don’t get into the whole Ohio St. would destroy Utah and Boise could easily beat Texas Tech, Cinderella stories are great but please don’t.)

Second Round

2 games 2nd Friday December 2 games 2nd Saturday December

Round 2

Friday

#1 Florida v. #8 Texas Tech

#2 Oklahoma v. #7 Utah

Saturday

#3 Texas v. #6 Penn St

#4 Alabama v. #5 USC

Now in those fun years when VTech knocks off Alabama in the first round or holy crap #59 Upsets #1 Florida, cause Florida forgot to show up, things could get interesting and that is exactly why this scenario will never happen. Heaven forbid that we actually give Troy a chance to upset the mighty Gators and cost them a chance at the national championship, along with it’s cash and prizes. That is what this whole sorted affair is all about. $$$$$$!! Athletics, sportsmanship, football? Forget it, it's all about the Money Baby!

2. Turn it over to the government and let them break up the monopoly and then negotiate a plus one or plus two playoff system that will all make matters worse because it will be exclusive and not inclusive, therefore unfair and unjust!

My vote lets go with number 1.

Way to go Utah and thanks for making this a legitimate argument!

I got an e-mail a couple of months ago that suggested not buying gas for a day and the certain day was specified. The day came and went nothing really happened, I'm sure that the gas sales decreased somewhat that day and a select few, including me felt better for sticking it to the "big oil" dudes. Truth be told i just didn't need gas that day, but joined the bandwagon anyway. After taking the time to pull my head out of my rumpus I realized that the idea of not buying gas for one day was truly stupid! Along the lines of no playoff for major college football stupid, but I digress. I am certain that the gas sales both the day before and after were more than doubled to make up for it.

While I lived in Argentina I always found it fascinating that some blowhard yo-yo head could get himself/herself into the papers and onto television and call the public to action for really anything, I remember a few nationwide boycotts of chicken, telephone service and yes even gasoline. The way it would come about was pretty much this: Step 1. Blowhard gets on television and makes papers the same day. Step 2. While on T.V. and in papers makes a threat that the entire country will grind to a halt if "whatever" weren't lowered on or before "plug in date here". Step 3. Sometimes government would make feeble attempt to pacify the 'angry masses' represented by a blowhard yo-yo head. Step 4. On the predetermined date if an acceptable solution were not offered up the blowhard would tell everyone to go home and not return to work until the prices went down! Guess what? They went home and had several days of unpaid vacation time. The entire country would grind to a halt and the 'whatever prices' would come back down. Maybe it worked because Argentines are overworked and needed a good vacation anyway, maybe they were lazy and would take any excuse to take a few days off. The bottom line is that it would work so who cares why!

Let's face it the Dems want high gas prices cause they're in bed with the tree huggers, the Reps are in the pockets of the oil companies, so who's looking out for us?

So I pose the question, If we tried a nationwide strike in the U.S. to get the oil companies attention would it work?

The answer is no and the reasons are few. They are #1 We are too greedy. #2 We are too busy. #3 We are too stupid to realize that it would probably work. #4 We would have to work together and someone would have to take the credit for organizing it and Heaven forbid we pull together in this country for a common goal! #5 We would probably need a permit to throw a strike, and where the crap do we get one?

The bad news for us, we will be paying $4.00 per gallon before Memorial Day. (Where I live we are already at 3.43) The worse news, we will bend over and take it. There is absolutely no justification for the gas prices being so high. I have positively had it with the "a mosquito bit a rig worker on the ear in Saudi Arabia and that caused a tidal wave on a small island in the Philippines and two barrels of crude oil were washed to sea, so that means an 11 cent per gallon increase at the pump crappolla story."

Seriously, am I the only one in the country that has caught on to the 8 up 2 down game we've been getting hit with for the last 10-15 years. In case you haven't noticed it goes like this: Every year before Memorial Day weekend and Labor Day weekend it is announced that something has happened in the middle east and we will probably see an increase at the gas pump for the holiday weekend! We see an immediate 8-10 cent jump the thursday afternoon before the weekend. The next wednesday gas prices drop back down 2-4 cents a gallon and we all breath easier thinking we are going to be fine. Just exactly how stupid do they think we are? I can answer that as well, pretty darn stupid! We have taken this and will continue to take this without saying, Screw you!! We aren't doing it anymore!! Have some respect and just come out and say, "listen we want to make more money and quite frankly you guys don't seem to react when we raise prices, so bend over here comes another hike!"

Until we are willing to collectively go on strike and do it all together this will continue! Gasoline is a necessary evil and until we find something affordable that is better it is all we have. I just wish we could "temporarily import" a couple million Argentines cause they know how to get stuff done!

Destroyed a public toilet?

I'll start, I just posted this on another thread and figured it would be a good blog!

About two weeks ago I had just recovered (I thought) from a stomach ailment, I woke up feeling great, hungry as heck went out to breakfast with some buddies, instead of the usual, I had biscuits and gravy, side of eggs, half stack of belgian waffles and just to re-grease the equipment, slammed a couple five pieces of bacon and three or seven sausage links down the old food flume. Well usually i just drink a 50/50 mix of O.j. and Cranberry juice. When we gave the order my buddy asks if I am on a diet, and I say "no, just getting over the flu a bit and thought I would take it easy for the morning. He pipes up with "Dude, you need to drink this herbal south american citrus tea that they serve here, you'll feel tons better and it will clean all of that crap out of your system." I figure what the heck, I order the tea, the waitress brings it just as the food gets there, and after I had polished off the 50/50 cranoj.

The stuff was citrusy not in really a good way, more of a grapefruit, melon, horseradish sort of way. After emptying the sugar packets from ours and the surrounding tables, to get rid of the melon taste, I managed to choke the stuff down. The rest of breakfast was pretty calm, nothing real interesting, but to make a short story long. I part company with the lads and head off to get some stuff done. I get about three blocks away from the restaurant and Charlie Brown's School Teacher starts screaming at me. (WHAAAWHAAAWHAAMMPPH) My Stomach and lower g.i. tract cramp up like I'd been shot, my butt checks pucker shut and every fiber of my being is now focused on nothing other than getting to a John and quick. As luck would have it I was coming up on the local Chevron, I cut across three lanes of traffic, almost took out an octogenarian toting an oxygen tank while chain smoking, (she gave me the bird) ran over the curb, skidded to a stop and left the truck running and ran as fast as an overweight middle aged penguin can run, I come around the corner fling open the door to the can, grab the stall door and tear it off it's hinges while entering, I knock the little kid out of the way, (he was just buttoning up his pants) I yell RUN, RUN for your life! He Ran, the little miscreant didn't even wash his hands. I manage to get situated just in the nick of time, then a series of explosions that I could only describe as carpet bombing went off! I had no idea i had that in me! Well the volcano simmered down and it was time for a courtesy flush and guess what, The little miscreant had clogged the toilet! So I rush to the garbage can, dead bolt the door and start the cleanup third world style, meanwhile the toxic waste is flowing everywhere and has now clogged the floor drain, so it's gettin ugly fast, i do a haphazard cleaning job, jump over the puddle to wash my hands. Step out of the bathroom and make a mad dash for the truck. I don't think I can every show my face in that place again!

So I go to the Doctor today for the annual physical, this was my first over forty-if you now what I mean! Wow what a treat, I became intimately with my Doctor. I think i will finally break down and get a tattoo, It will be placed just above my crack and read "Exit Only!"

After a very thorough examination I was diagnosed with the following:

I am an arthritic narcoleptic turrets suffer with a mild to severe case of irritable bowl syndrome!!

I asked the Doc what the heck that meant and he said, "It means that you won't be able to open the bottle of narcolepsy medicine so you'll fall asleep at work and when someone wake's you, you'll shout random obscenities at them while crapping your pants!!" Doesn't that sound fun.

By the way, piece of advise for the late thirty something male crowd, If your Doctor has huge fat fingers, change Doctors before you hit the big 4-0!!

To all of the sportsline fans that have been censored by sportsline for inappropriate language in your Post's this is your blog! I have started a list of the words that are apparently unacceptable to sensitive folks here in the free world, along with a list to choose from for replacements. Please feel free to add your own versions.

Here we go: Unacceptable -SH**:

Acceptable replacements: Bowel movement, excriment, fecal matter, sign-grandpa taught me that one while dear hunting, just after he told me to take off those dang gloves boy, the only thing you can do with gloves on is mess your pants! anyway where was I, oh yes the list. Defecation, stool, yesterdays lunch, pooh, dung, turds, poop, droppings, crap. By the way if the past tense for sit is sat and the past tense for spit is spat, then shouldn't the past tense for Sh** be Shat! Behold I have shat my pants! Dude, that guy really shat on me! Smells like someone shat in the conference room. Hey I think this could work, especially if you say it in a british accent, I say, I believe that I have shat myself.

Unacceptable: Take a Shi**!

Acceptable: I have to: duke, drop a chunky, push a stool, take a crap (by the way, why don't we leave a crap) have a bowel movement, drop trowl, leave a pile, drop a load, pinch a loaf, fertilize the fields, make poopy, do doo doo, soil some linens, drop the boys of at the pool, feed the fish and my personal favorite-Punch a Grumpy!!!

Unacceptable: He**! Acceptable: Hades, heck, everlasing inferno, satan's spa, lawyers r us, Lucifers place, pits of darkness and despair, and eternal doom!

Unacceptable: Da** or Da**it

Acceptable: Darn, dang, dadgum dadblasted, dingleberrys, dastardly, darnit, dangit, dagnabbit, darndable, dadblastid, and dashnaggit.

Unacceptable: The "F" bomb and it's -ing derivitive

Acceptable: Fornicate, fetch, frik, frack, F'd, and copulate, freakin, frikin, friggin, fornicating, makin whoopy, hidin the sausage, buryin the bone, slippin the wilbur, takin the worm fishin, bumpin uglies, grinding, doing the love dance, the sheet samba, tango for two, and rollin in the hay.

Unacceptable: Son of a Bit**!

Acceptable: Son of a Bishop's Granddaughter, son of gun, son of a cow biscuit, go home to the female dog that whelped you, (look up whelped if you don't know that word.), son of a hair lip hoover salesman, son of a stuttering salsa salesman, son of a stiff legged stripper, son of ______ fan(your favorite rival), son of a drunken sailer, and son of a nutcracker (from Elf). Please add your own!